Thursday, February 22, 2007
melancholy
Rather wistful and sort of melancholy today. Not for any reason other than I am tired and want to go home. I need some music and my camera. I want to get out and take some pics of my kids and make a book for my mil. She's going to the mayo clinic next week for treatment for valley fever. It is serious, but so is prayer. I need to pray and breathe and shoot some pics.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
taylor lynne
Taylor Lynne Andrews was born on January 2nd. She arrived a bit early, but otherwise healthy. Her mother and I are friends; Jenn and I met several years ago at a crop. We hit it off pretty quickly, as we have much in common: Our husbands are in the same type of business, she and I both love scrapping, shopping, and cheesecake ;) and her eldest son is, age wise, directly between Hallie and Devin. Jenn and James waited a while to have a second child. Jenn was in LPN school and wanted to graduate and work a while before having another baby. Last year she became pregnant again and was very excited. I remember how happy she was when she found out it was going to be a girl: all things pink and frilly. Excitement bubbled from her voice as she told me the news, and I remember thinking, "One of each; that is great!" Then Jenn and I didn't get to talk between the months of October and the end of January. Life, Hallie's broken leg, my new job, Jenn's busy schedule as an LPN, other commitments, etc kept us busy. That time is a regret I will carry with me for quite some time.
In January when Taylor was born, I kept thinking, "I need to call Jenn; I need to go see the baby." I didn't know when she had had Taylor, just that she had been born in the first days of January and she was a week or two early. Hallie had also asked about going over to see Jenn and her family (she is quite fond of Jenn). The constant succession of days flowed by and it was February. Still I hadn't got to see Jenn's girl. My mistake and another regret. On the morning of February 4th, as I was heading out the door with Devin for church, the phone rang. It was Gregg. Keith answered and I faintly heard him say a combination of words," Jennifer Andrews? Her baby? Oh no...when?" The world stopped spinning. I remember looking at Keith half begging him," NO! Don't say it! Don't say her baby is dead!" As he raised his eyes to mine, his sorrowful expression told me what I didn't what to know. I was sobbing before my knees hit the carpet. I shrieked and squalled. Keith had hung up with Gregg. I asked him for the phone and called Gregg back. He told me that Lindsay (his fiance), had come to pick him up for church, and Jenn's aunt and uncle had been called out of Sunday school and told about Taylor. As the sun rose that Sunday morning, the Andrews awoke to find that Taylor Lynne had found her wings, slipped away, and soared home to Heaven.
I needed to find Jenn. I made my way to Marvin's to buy some groceries to take with me to the Andrews' home (as though food could make anything better, but it is all people know to do when something like this happens). As I pulled into the driveway, I saw several people in the yard. I, heart in one hand, sacks suspended from the other, went to the front door and gingerly stepped it. I vaguely heard someone say,"She's in the kitchen." As I passed through the living room I saw the form of a girl I once knew. I say that because it was not the Jenn I had known, but a version of her former self. In her face resided more anguish that any mother should be called to bear. I felt the bags slip from my fingers and the sobs once again escaped from my core. She took two, maybe three weary steps towards me and I reached out for her. Somewhere amid the wrapping of arms around one another and the gushing of tears, we puddled to the floor; we sat for some time crying and the only words I could find kept coming from my inadequate mouth,"I know, I know, I know..." but how could I have known this grief that is foreign to me? James came out of the kitchen and knelt to put his arms around us. He too was devistated.
I could write more about that day and the days that followed, but what I want you to know is that Taylor Lynne Andrews' life, however brief, mattered. She was here, she was real, she made a difference in possibly hundreds of people's lives. She, this tiny doll who looked like her big brother, changed my life. Taylor reminded me to live in the now. Not tomorrow because I might not get one. To accept my life for what it is today. Accept my life for what is it tomorrow when I get there. Hug my babies and kiss them a hundred times a day. Seek out my friends no matter how busy my life is. Balance everyday some of what I need to get done and some of what I want to get done. Live it out loud! God bless you and keep you baby Taylor.
In January when Taylor was born, I kept thinking, "I need to call Jenn; I need to go see the baby." I didn't know when she had had Taylor, just that she had been born in the first days of January and she was a week or two early. Hallie had also asked about going over to see Jenn and her family (she is quite fond of Jenn). The constant succession of days flowed by and it was February. Still I hadn't got to see Jenn's girl. My mistake and another regret. On the morning of February 4th, as I was heading out the door with Devin for church, the phone rang. It was Gregg. Keith answered and I faintly heard him say a combination of words," Jennifer Andrews? Her baby? Oh no...when?" The world stopped spinning. I remember looking at Keith half begging him," NO! Don't say it! Don't say her baby is dead!" As he raised his eyes to mine, his sorrowful expression told me what I didn't what to know. I was sobbing before my knees hit the carpet. I shrieked and squalled. Keith had hung up with Gregg. I asked him for the phone and called Gregg back. He told me that Lindsay (his fiance), had come to pick him up for church, and Jenn's aunt and uncle had been called out of Sunday school and told about Taylor. As the sun rose that Sunday morning, the Andrews awoke to find that Taylor Lynne had found her wings, slipped away, and soared home to Heaven.
I needed to find Jenn. I made my way to Marvin's to buy some groceries to take with me to the Andrews' home (as though food could make anything better, but it is all people know to do when something like this happens). As I pulled into the driveway, I saw several people in the yard. I, heart in one hand, sacks suspended from the other, went to the front door and gingerly stepped it. I vaguely heard someone say,"She's in the kitchen." As I passed through the living room I saw the form of a girl I once knew. I say that because it was not the Jenn I had known, but a version of her former self. In her face resided more anguish that any mother should be called to bear. I felt the bags slip from my fingers and the sobs once again escaped from my core. She took two, maybe three weary steps towards me and I reached out for her. Somewhere amid the wrapping of arms around one another and the gushing of tears, we puddled to the floor; we sat for some time crying and the only words I could find kept coming from my inadequate mouth,"I know, I know, I know..." but how could I have known this grief that is foreign to me? James came out of the kitchen and knelt to put his arms around us. He too was devistated.
I could write more about that day and the days that followed, but what I want you to know is that Taylor Lynne Andrews' life, however brief, mattered. She was here, she was real, she made a difference in possibly hundreds of people's lives. She, this tiny doll who looked like her big brother, changed my life. Taylor reminded me to live in the now. Not tomorrow because I might not get one. To accept my life for what it is today. Accept my life for what is it tomorrow when I get there. Hug my babies and kiss them a hundred times a day. Seek out my friends no matter how busy my life is. Balance everyday some of what I need to get done and some of what I want to get done. Live it out loud! God bless you and keep you baby Taylor.
Monday, February 12, 2007
creative manifesto
Well, at Ali Edwards' blog, she encourages us to construct our own creative manifesto. I have listed ten bits to live by in my creative life. Some are borrowed or based on others' lists, but each compiled to form my personal list:
1. It really is OK!
2. Use my voice
3. Tell my stories
4. ENJOY!
5. Remember, "I am art"
6. Use what I love
7. Take the shot
8. Live it!
9. Breathe- keep perspective
10. Seek the connection to God- the master artist!
1. It really is OK!
2. Use my voice
3. Tell my stories
4. ENJOY!
5. Remember, "I am art"
6. Use what I love
7. Take the shot
8. Live it!
9. Breathe- keep perspective
10. Seek the connection to God- the master artist!
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